Issue #012 | June 14, 2020

THE SUNDAY CHECK-IN NEWSLETTER

This week we're talking trials and tribulations of asking for help (part I of a two part series), a 'modern collection pot' for black communities + more.

I've Got to 'Fess Up, I'm a Terrible Asker

There are those people who find it easy to ask for help. Then there are those who don't.

Which type of help seeker are you?

Me? I fall into the latter camp. I'm a terrible asker.

Asking for help or advice from another person... it doesn't sit right in my bones. You see, my default way of thinking is "why ask for help, when I can figure this out myself?"

How mini me learned 'how not to ask for help.'

I grew up with the prestigious title of first born, and in my family that meant playing second mum to rambunctious siblings. I played my part in rearing tiny humans, while still being a child myself.

Don't get me wrong, I relished my role as chief bossy boots. I lorded it over my sibs, while at the same time doting on them.

I picked up some delightful skills along the way

I learned how to solve problems - mine, as well as theirs. I learned not to be a bother to a stressed out, overworked parent. I learned how to cope with the pressure of being the 'responsible one'. And I blossomed into a self-reliant, over functioning (secretly sensitive) sister-mother.

In essence, I learned how not to ask for help. So it's no surprise that I'm rubbish at seeking it.

And I know I'm not alone in this

I know of creatives who get knots in their stomachs at the mere mention of promoting their work. It's pushy, and salesy, and tacky. Because we don't like asking people to buy our stuff. Some creators don't get as much exposure as they deserve. The thought of asking for it feels... yucky.

Others grapple with soliciting feedback. Especially from family and friends. Because we're done seeing their eyes glaze over as we talk about our passion projects. We say to ourselves, "what's the point of burdening them with our requests for help? They're clearly not interested."And as for asking for financial assistance, well that's a whole 'nother struggle-bus.

Does any of the above sound like you?

Self-reliance begets self isolation

I prided myself on my ability to self teach anything I needed to know.

Google and YouTube were my trusty teaching aids. They instructed me on how to build websites. Schooled me in digital design. And showed me how to sell my creations on the world's biggest marketplace. My sense of self efficacy was deeply tied to how much I could handle on my own.

I'm grateful for my resourceful, resilient nature. But damn, there were times I'd wake up and say to myself, "I have nobody to go to with this. I feel so alone."

Then I'd clapback - err, hello! You never asked anyone to help. Remember?

Why we resist asking for help?

This refusal to ask for (or denial of needing) help, is a bizarre mix of self-preservation and misplaced concern for others.

When you've built up the courage to ask for a favour, and you hear a hard NO, that shit stings. It makes you not want to ask again. Or at least that's how I used to feel.

My hesitancy to ask for help is down to me not wanting to put people in an awkward position. Like my asking is somehow an inconvenience to them. I even look for non-verbal cues signalling botheration - a sigh here, an eye roll there. When I find them, it gives me an excuse to revert to my default "don't worry about it, I'll do it myself" stance.

I'm not playing when I say my asking game needs work.

There are these types called matchers. This breed of resistor refuse help because it feels too much like 'owing a debt', and they don't like feeling indebted - "You scratched my back, so now I need to find a way to scratch yours otherwise I won't sleep well tonight." Feeling obligated to repay someone who's helped you out... well that's a stressful way of being.

There are also lowkey control freaks, like me (although I'm in recovery). We have a hard time letting go of control. We have the "yeah, but they can't do it as well as I can" syndrome. Only, that way of thinking is just as destructive to our well-being.

I remember the first time I hired a virtual assistant. I was glad of the support, but still harboured minor anxiety at the thought of someone coming in and rifling through files I'd carefully put together. Like some deranged micro manager on a covert mission, I secretly checked and double checked her work for way longer than any normal 'boss' would have.

Hunting for confirmation she wasn't up to the job. Of course, I didn't find any. I mean it was a simple admin task that needed doing, not a bloody tax return.

For the most part, we don't like asking for help because;

we fear rejection,
we don't want to feel like a burden or give off user-ish vibes, and
we don't want to look as though we can't handle ourselves for fear of coming across as stupid or incompetent.

But get this:

Your fear of looking stupid, is making you look stupid - RuPaul

Sounds harsh, but RuPaul is speaking truth.

Researchers from Harvard Business School and Wharton School back this up. They found that the act of asking for help or advice doesn't make us look incompetent. It makes us look smarter to the other person, even though we don't see it ourselves.

We actually view people who seek our advice as much more competent than people who [don't]... because being asked for advice is flattering, it feels good - Alison Wood Brooks, Harvard Researcher

Every time you invite someone to help solve your problem it strokes their ego.

It's a sign you're selecting them as your go-to source, and that must mean you have confidence in their ability to help. Your willingness to court their counsel, bumps you up the smartness scale in their eyes.

To ask for help requires a readiness to be vulnerable and letting your guard down isn't easy.

But the alternative is to continue struggling alone, missing out on opportunities to showcase your work. Or to collaborate with people you admire, and you know, make money doing what you love.

Performer, Amanda Palmer wasn't afraid to ask for help.

In fact, she fiercely chased it.

Palmer went from standing on milk crates dressed as a freaky living-bride-statue, to couch-surfing with fans on the fly, to crowdfunding 7 figures for her band, The Dresden Dolls (her initial ask was for $100k).

She needed them, but they needed her to show up with vulnerability, trust, and the courage to ask for help in a powerful, unapologetic way.

Those requests for help involved a level of risk most people would shy away from - the risk of rejection and the risk of safety. But Palmer had faith her people would step up.

She committed so much of herself, and her work to her community that when the time came for her to call on them, it was a given.

I grew up believing the act of asking for help was a form of weakness, but over the years I've gotten better at seeking support. I'd be lying if I said it isn't still a struggle - I don't ask nearly as much as I could do. I'm working on that.

I know that my resistance is an ego thing. Seeking help isn't a sign of weakness. It's a sign of strength.

A sign that you're willing to admit you're not a freaking superhero. You don't have to battle alone. There are people in this world waiting for their moment to be of service. You only have to ask.

***

Look out for part II next week - tips on asking for help without it feeling icky.

Before you scroll, I've got a quick ask. If you ever find my letters lurking in the promotions tab (why Gmail, whhyyy?!), please rescue them by drag them into your primary inbox.

Thanks a million.

Mena x

P.S. Financial advice from a 4 year old

Fuel for the Mind/Body

1. How to have a good morning and night :

Five creatives offer tips on what helps them start and end the day in a healthy way. I promise, there's not a single green smoothie in sight.

Read here >> Nuggets of Wisdom to Start and End Your Day With (LIP)

2. In case you need to hear this today:

(Related to last Sunday's newsletter: Keep Going When No One is Noticing)

3. What would you create if no one was judging you?

A straight up pep talk aimed at your inner critic.

If you have little ones around, you may want to listen with headphones - the host drops a couple of naughty words.

Listen here: >> The Daily Pep Podcast

This Week: A Good Cause to Support

Kwanda - A Modern Collection Pot for Black Communities:

The link to this site popped up in my email recently, and I just had to share.

It's a UK non-profit supporting black owned businesses, causes and communities around the world. Think of it as a crowdfunding site where you sign up as a villager then contribute to a project of your choice.

At the time of writing, there's only a few projects, but as their budget grows new causes will be added. Find out more here >> Kwanda